Joy Snavely Carlisle/Gardener, Pennsylvania Pennsylvania

Don’t think I will ever forget that date. It’s embedded in my brain. The day I found him talking to her. Just a month shy of our ten year anniversary.  I’m not an easy person to live with, I’ll be the first to admit it- but still. I’ve dedicated my last ten years to him and no one else. || I’m not a young whippersnapper, forty now. I don’t wear a size eight anymore, more like an eighTEEN. I’ve got wrinkles where none existed before and I’ve aged”not so gracefully.” According to society’s standards that is. || He was 24 when we met- I was 30. I had a nine year old son and was recently divorced. I wasn’t interested even a little bit in another relationship, let alone one with a TWENTY FOUR year old. I mean, he wasn’t even FULLY COOKED yet! || But, long story short, he followed me around like a lost puppy and stuck around when I pushed him away virtually every single day. He was wonderful with my son and seemed to bring him out of his shell being so traumatized by the divorce from his father.Yea, you could say I fell in love with him pretty quickly. || Four years later we married. Valentine’s Day. He stood before everyone and read vows to my SON before he would marry me. It was truly the best thing that had ever happened to me. Life was great. Our son was turning 17 and we found out that I was PREGNANT!  WHAT? PREGNANT!? NO WAY! We’d tried but it wasn’t going to happen. Now, when we were just a year away from freedom (lol) here we were pregnant.And then… At nine weeks we found out it was TWINS. Yup, TWO! || I don’t think there was another happier man on the planet. He’d always said he never”needed” a biological child, my son was HIS and he WAS his father. Now, he said, he got the chance to be a daddy. We were so excited and beyond all hope, after seven long, very sick months I gave birth to a little boy AND a little girl. They were pretty early but they did wonderfully and after a month we were a family of five.Life couldn’t be more perfect. || And then…I couldn’t get out of bed because I was so sick and he had to take the twins for their weekly weight check at 6 months old, something I’d NEVER missed before. When he came home he said they’d given the twins their vaccinations.”What? They just got them a few weeks ago, remember??””I know, I told them but they said no that they needed more,” he said. || A month later everything STOPPED. My boy twin just stared off into space, he never looked in my eyes again, no longer babbled or tried to sit up or move or crawl or roll over or ANYTHING. The girl twin would look at me and smile but, just like the boy, nothing else was there. I knew it was autism. I felt it in my gut. At seventeen months old they were both diagnosed with severe autism. They were on a cognitive scale of 0-2 months old. Our worlds were SHATTERED. || I researched everything, spent HOURS on the web figuring out what we needed to do. We had to move. We had to get them into an ABA therapy center NOW. So we left everything and moved 3 hours away. That was last June. Things haven’t been good this whole year though they’ve gone fantastic for the twins. They’ve made HUGE strides and the progress is unreal. We definitely made the right decision, for them. We’re so busy, we have therapy five days a week at the center and then four days a week we have other therapists coming to our house and then another day they have PT & OT and in between we try to sleep because we’re so exhausted. || I guess that’s where everything began to break down. No time for him, no time for me. I knew it was a problem and I actually had just mentioned to my friend that I really needed to reconnect with my husband but I was SO BUSY and just so damn tired I just couldn’t force myself to reconnect. Then he started playing a internet game in his free time and that’s where he met HER. || She KNEW he was married, she’s married herself and yet she continually chatted with him and dug her dirty nails in, grabbing onto MY HUSBAND. She’s a Skype & KIK whore and chats with more than just MY HUSBAND. I was able to save a month of chat on Skype and some pretty disgusting pictures before he deleted it. It takes TWO to tango and trust me, he’s getting his but I WANT REVENGE!  He says it was”in the moment” and has said he’s truly sorry and feels like shit for doing it. || It’s not HIM. It’s not who he is, he’s never been this guy. He portrayed himself as someone he’s totally not as well. What hurts the most is that he said things to her that’s he’s NEVER said to me- NEVER IN TEN YEARS. He flirted and sent dirty pictures and even told her about our twins!! EVEN ABOUT THE AUTISM!! He shared pictures of them with HER! He took pictures from our HONEYMOON, cut me OUT and shared them with HER!!!!! || How could he!???The hurt, the sadness, the pain I feel is so overwhelming.I stop crying and I’m ANGRY. I’m so damn mad! I WANT HER TO HURT! I WANT HIM TO HURT! I want SOMEONE to feel what I feel! Don’t say”Oh, but he didn’t SLEEP with her.” First, it was only because they’re in different states, I’m sure. And second, he may as well have! This was INTIMATE. It was MORE than just sex. I am trying so hard to get over this, I am, but I’m hurting so badly. || One day I’m fine, the next I’m not. I don’t know what to do. I love him. I am still IN love with him, but I don’t trust him a lick. I want this to work but I want MORE from him. I know it sounds crazy but I want him to feel so bad it kills him. I want him to feel MY pain. I waited a month and then I googled the whore and found her husband’s name. I sent him a Facebook message but if you’re not friends it goes to an”other” folder. In the letter I said his WHORE probably had his password so he would likely never get this but I just wanted him to know that she was a whore as well and I had the proof he wanted it. Haven’t heard anything from him. || Now what? What do I do now? I guess I’ll do what I have been doing and just take this day by day- minute by minute. I guess I will just live by my favorite quote: ||”It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” || -Rose Kennedy

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